THE FEAR OF BEING SEEN
That’s an odd thing to be afraid of, right? After all, we’re seen all the time: at home, work, school, around town. But how often are we actually seen? I’m talking about who you are, not what your job is, your family role, or what your hobbies are, but what makes you quintessentially you. I think it’s hard for a lot of us to even answer that question, for when you strip away all our titles or likes and dislikes, what are we? What sets your heart on fire? What keeps you up at night? What inspires you? What disturbs you? What makes you vulnerable?
Vulnerability is a strange thing for me. In some ways, I am an open book, willing to share and say too much, usually to people that don’t know me well. For me, letting a stranger see who I am is less frightening than for those who are much closer to me, as they can waltz away and I won’t have to see them ever again. So more often than not, I am quite secretive, keeping my thoughts to myself, observing and listening instead of contributing. This is partially due to my shy nature and my natural love of listening to people and letting them spill whatever they need to into my lap. For that reason, I know a lot about the people close to me, but I don’t think most of them could say the same about me. Often, I am not given the chance to share back, mostly because I wait to see who will actually ask about me and my life versus those who rather just use me as a sounding board and don’t really have a true interest in me. While this may make me a little salty and annoyed as it happens much too often, it is also a sense of safety. For me growing up, the less I shared the less likely I was to get in trouble, get judged, or have my problems blasted for everyone to know.
Most of my life I have preferred to not be seen. And so I am not, which is frustrating when I actually want to be and there is hardly anyone there to witness.
This is a problem I mostly created myself and one I am trying to figure out how to get out of. It has come to my attention that in order to thrive in this world you have to garner attention and that is a skill I severely lack. You have to let people see you for them to usually really care about you and for reasons above I find that rather terrifying. I am not used to talking about myself, putting myself on display, showing the world my own little world. I usually assume no one cares, and maybe I’m right, but most likely, I just haven't found my audience, my people.
I have never really fit in. As a kid I was asking philosophical questions that adults didn’t have answers for and observing the world and people around me in great detail. Being hypervigilant is one of my trauma reactions, so I find it very easy for me to see people and understand them at a deep level (sometimes more than they know themselves). And when I get frustrated that it seems like no one takes the time to do the same for me, I have to remember that most people don’t study micro behaviors, read between the lines in conversations, or ruminate on human behavior and motives like I do. I’m also really kind of fucking weird, like lets talk about esoteric and occult topics or what happens after we die and how many lives we have lived. I don’t know anyone quite like me in my real physical life, so I mostly just keep to myself. But I have a lot to share, a lot of wisdom and thoughts brewing inside of me, and the universe keeps telling me that just being myself and letting others see me is possibly one of my greatest powers.
In time, I’ll let you dear readers be the judge of that and I hope I haven’t lost you yet, as long as I don’t let my imposter syndrome get the best of me (because it usually does).
I have been a hermit this year. It has been a difficult one, and I do like to suffer in silence (yay more trauma responses!) But solitude is also very, very healing for me, and I have healed a lot this year as well. So, perhaps it’s time for me to come out of my safe little cave and share what I have been doing, things I have resolved, and journeys I have taken (all in my head, of course).
